in came the light

"My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upperhand."
-t sweezy.

I'm supposed to be writing a research paper due in roughly 14 hours, but instead, I'm here at my livejournal writing about, well, who knows what.

While I write, I'm listening to what I assume is an illegally leaked copy of John Mayer's "Battle Studies." It came out today. Taylor Swift is singing.

I'm frustrated. And my frustration is so incredibly gripping that it's taking up time I could be using productively, wondering if it's all my fault. Am I too simple minded to be in love?

I mean, okay, I wouldn't call it love. It's been... a month or so. But the question remains the same. Am I too naive, too positive, too hopeful? I've tried so hard to be realistic and not let my plans get ahead of me, but then I feel like a pessimist and go back on my merry way. But now, this feels like obsession, or fanaticism or something. I don't want to be obsessed, or a fanatic! What do I do?

Well, talking about it is so not an option, since the source of my frustration, pessimism, obsession etc... won't talk back. I try to be reasonable and not get in the way of something he might want to keep to himself or whatever, but it's upsetting. I can't tell him this. Why? I don't know. I just won't. I don't like being a nusiance or feeling like one. I know I'm annoying, and I try really hard not to be. Conversely, I hate feeling left out or useless.


"I'm a little more than useless. When I think that I can't do this, you promise me that I'll get through this and do something right for once."
-Relient K

That's another gripe of mine (speaking of Relient K). I'm surrounded by people who reject God, and I see their points, but how can all of this beauty be purely scientific? I'm a scientist, I believe in evolution. I believe in the Big Bang Theory. But God is real. I don't go to church regularly, I don't even pray regularly. I don't like to listen to Christian music on a regular basis. I'm pro-choice. I believe in same sex marriages. I may not be your stereotypical Christian, but I believe. And I feel like that's all that matters.

"When they own the information they can bend it all they want."

And what is with all this dissent toward President Obama?! In my opinion, the man is doing a fine job. And that's all I have to say, for now.

/rant

'I'd sacrifice money and heaven, all for love. Let me be loved, let me be loved'
- Rilo Kiley


I just restored my iTunes, so the count it has is wrong. But usually it's More Adventurous by Rilo Kiley. It's an absolutely beautiful song. Listen to it if you've never heard it.

Which brings me (coincidentally) to something more.

It's so weird, love. One minute, I'm a complete cynic, and now that I like someone enough to speak up, I'm all for it.

It sneaks up on you. You don't even realise it. You start talking about this person aaaaall the time, and your friends are like, 'STOP IT!' and then you don't because, subconciously you're in love with this person. And then, your friends catch on. And they're like, 'OH! You like him!' and you deny deny deny. And then, you cave. And then there's the constant need for communication. Everything reminds you of them, and you need to call them about it. It's ridiculous. But beautiful.

'And if you want me, you better speak up, I won't wait! So, you better move fast.'
- Rilo Kiley

And then you wonder... Does he like me back? Is he even remotely interested?!

And he is, because otherwise you wouldn't like him. RIGHT? No, but that kind of thinking is always good.

And then you hint hint hint and he hint hint hints and then... well... sparks.

And then you casually slip into the conversation that you'd like to have lots of sex and babies.

And then you do.

:)

I love you.

'I just need to believe we gave this an honest chance. All I want is to believe we gave it all we had.'
-Ryan Sullivan (Sam the Boy)

'Commitment- it's what makes you tick. The problem is, you're just not good at letting go.'
-Jack's dad on Lost

I've been in severely unrequited love with the same guy for 2 years. We barely speak, and I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I've dated other guys, and liked other guys, but this particular guy has been sitting in the back of my brain the entire time. It's not to say that I didn't really like the other guys, it's not that at all. I did. Definitely. But, of course, this guy is always holding me back.

After about six months of what could be considered stalking (but really was not), some little idea popped into my brain. I decided to tell him how I felt. Which was incredibly stupid because he really only knew me as his little sister's friend/the chick who waved at him at the gym (I have since switched gyms).  So, I did it. In a very well written note placed in his mailbox. I'm old-fashioned sometimes. I was, of course, humiliated since he told just about everyone he knew. But, still, my tiny heart fluttered as rapidly as ever.

Seeing him around school was torture, and I had no idea what to say to him. Mostly, I just yelled. I was angry. But the flame still burned on. I have since made a series of considerably large gestures (ie... nominating him for a Top 100 student list in a magazine I used to write for, which he won might I add; asking him to dance at Homecoming; giving him a very heartfelt graduation card...) with no avail.

But that's really not what this is about. I've realised now, as he prepares to leave for a college some 200 miles away that I have no reason to still be in love with him. He's hurt me, held me on a string and overall been kind of, let's just say, a dick. I justify it to myself by saying that when he's sweet, he's really sweet. Which is true. And when he smiles... it leaves me slightly breathless. Plus, 50% of the time that I see him, he's in a speedo...

It's like cleaning out a pumpkin. For the most part, you can cut a hole in the top and pour out the seeds. But sometimes, there's that one seed that sticks to a little stringy piece of pumpkin that is impossible to get out without getting your hands dirty. I think my problem is, I don't want to get my hands dirty. I'd rather let that little seed dangle into the candle of my Jack-O-Lantern heart than stick my hand in and pluck it.

I don't make big gestures anymore and I barely try at all. I don't want anything to happen. But everytime I get a text/call from a number I don't know, I hope to God that it's him calling to finally meet me for coffee or just to say hi.

One day, I'll pluck that seed out, but for now, I'll let it get singed.

'Do you believe in what you see? There doesn't seem to be anyone else who agrees with me.'
- Zero 7

I'm still torn up about Jon and Kate.
It's still such a tragedy in my mind.

Later that night, I watched a brand-new episode of the show. The kids wanted to camp, so Kate spent all day setting tents up in the backyard and making smores and dinner for them. I recently read on the cover of People or Us or Star or something that Kate was a 'bad mother' and didn't love her kids, and that they hated her. I know it's television and could be edited, but a mother who doesn't love her kids does not dedicate an entire day of her life to make them happy. A bad mother does not make smores with her kids and sleep outside in the backyard with them. And kids who hate their mother don't hug her legs and thank her for the amazing day they had.

It was heartbreaking, utterly heartbreaking, to see them all so happy with Jon no where in sight. I come from divorced parents, and I understand that sometimes it just doesn't work out. However, I feel like if there was no media, no tabloids, that this family would still be together and happy. I feel as if had Kate found out about Jon's supposed infidelity some other way, through her own methods, they would have worked it out, knowing that they have 8 beautiful children to protect and keep together. I also can't help but think that TLC is LOVING the ratings boost. I'm not saying they told them to get a divorce, no, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was something there.

Neither one of them (Jon and Kate) can go out without being photographed and filmed and badgered by paparazzi and journalists. If it were me, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably just sit in my house and order my groceries online.

Tears well up in my throat when I think about the travesty surrounding this family. It's, as I said, unfair.

:(

I just watched an episode of this show.
It's the episode where they're dealing with all of the 'Jon cheated' stuff.
It brought me to tears.

It is so unfair to this family what has happened. I don't care if Jon cheated on Kate. It really doesn't matter to me. Regardless of if the rumors are true, it's unfair.

I don't care what the tabloids are saying, these two people love their children. I watch this show, not religiously, but I do watch it.

This family has been ripped completely apart from this, and it upsets me to think that hypothetically, it could be false.

It was the saddest thing I ever heard to listen to little Alexis say 'Daddy, I don't want you to leave.' and watch him speechless and sad as he told her he might have to.

Seeing Kate cry about the whole thing was just as horrible.

I feel SO bad for them. Maybe I'm the only one, but I do.

:(

I don't know about you, but I think that I base my life too much in fictional stories. I'm always trying to be the Marissa Cooper to my Ryan Atwood. The Kate to my Jack.

This is a bad habit. It must be stopped.

Teen dramas and romantic comedies have trained me to expect that everything will work itself out, with minimal effort from both parties. But that's really not true. Not everyone can hold a boom box over her head in the rain and expect that her true love is inside rejoicing as Peter Gabriel blasts through the window. It's not like that. I'm sure if someone did that to me, I'd think he was a little creepy and about to be electrocuted.

So, let's cut the crap, shall we? I for one, will not let my children* be fooled by these nonsensical views of love.

Yes, it's beautiful and makes us pull out our Kleenex boxes and cry on the shoulders of our friends. But is it real? No.

In my most recent quest, if you will, I've been a bit more realistic than in other cases. Namely, the case of my entire freshmen year of high school. I've realised that I can't just wait around for that someone to make the move, I need to step it up and go for it. Which, I haven't done, but I'm getting there.

All I can say is, love is...not fiction. Love is real. Love is, to be cliche, stranger than fiction.


*Hypothetically speaking, since I do not believe in having babies.

Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, can you make it shallow? So that I can feel the rain?
-Dave Matthews

You thought you might be a ghost. You didn't get to heaven but you made it close.
- Chris Martin... aka Jesus.

I don't know what today's post is going to be about. But lately, I like this.

I like profundity. I'm trying to be profound. I like being profound.
Am I profound?

I'm thinking about things.
Lots of things.

My little head is spinning.

What about that Sarah Palin? Like, what the hell, woman? Does she really think she can be PRESIDENT?! If the GOP backs her, the Republican party will be even more of a joke than it already is. SERIOUSLY? SARAH PALIN? GOVERNOR OF ALASKA!? Let's think about this... Y'all said President Obama has no experience? This woman is governer of ALASKA! Shit does not go down in Alaska like here in the contig's. I think that you should have to be a senator or in the house of rep's before you can be president. That's me though. I am appauled. Who in their right mind thinks that SARAH PALIN CAN RUN A COUNTRY? Christ Almighty in heaven. She is not allowed to be the first female president. That's supposed to be Hilary. She'd be awesome.

Sarah, get a real job. You could take tickets at the movies... sure, you can do anything you want!

Christ Almighty, I am peeved.

Really? REALLY? God bless America.

That was funny because yesterday was the 4th of July. You're laughing now.

I believe in Barack Obama. He loves you and he loves your momma.

This week, 3 people died.
Well, a lot more than 3 people died.
But 3 people we felt close to.
3 people that we trusted.
3 people that we thought we knew.

But what about the others?
What about the 25,000 children dying in Africa every day?
And those are only the ones under 5.

What about the 12,500 people dying of AIDS?

I don't understand why we can let these people, good people, slip through our fingers?
Something has to be done.
Something.
Anything.

Remember.
Children.
Mothers.
Fathers.
Sisters.
Brothers.

Everyone is someone's child.

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight along enough you'll end up where you were.

-Modest Mouse (3rd Planet)


A couple months ago, I saw the movie 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'
I was very skeptical at first, but I really loved it.
It really doesn't matter which way you go, the end is always the same.
Which seems depressing and sad that no matter what you die, but it's comforting.

It's like Jack Kerouac said,

I will die, and you will die, and we all will die, and even the stars will fade out one after another in time.

It's true. Everyone dies.
And I find a great deal of comfort in knowing that.
Knowing that everyone has the same eminent fate somehow makes it so much easier.

That all said, I saw an interesting program on the Science channel about death.
One quantum physicist suggested that humans only die because they know it's coming.
What if that's true?
What if we start now, start raising our kids to believe they will live forever?
Will they?
Or will they come to the harsh reality, when at 94 they can't walk or breathe?
Or is aging part of it all, too?
Is our bodies' deterioration correlated with this knowledge of death?

Yes, it's natural for your body to grow older and weaker as the years pass.
But does it go faster because you know it's happening?
Is life like Schrodinger's Cat experiment?

I don't know.
These are the things that go through my brain.

disappear into the black night.
disappear from my eyes.
disappear from my simple mind.
disappear from me.

i can't help you if you won't help me.
i can't be with you if you won't be with me.

 let's fly away
it's too complicated here
things i see make it hard to stay
i can't take the constant fear
of losing you.

So I totally stole this from a website, but I really like it.